On Joel and Life

I've had a lot to write in this for a while now. A lot of things that may never be posted. But I was walking around today, and decided for now to try to go back to enjoying life rather than analyzing every second. I will try to be someone other than the camera man.

But I'm going through old emails and I realized it's a good way to get an interesting entry without doing too much work.

After looking over this, yeah I have a shitload of saved email and AIM conversations. A history of the past few years in text.

9/20/04

Prof. Dikarev,

I didn't catch exactly what you said during lecture today about the
extra credit nor did i write down the answers to the in class
assignment in time. In any case I am submitting my answers to the
problems in hope that that will be sufficient.

m Tb Kb
m Kb b.p.

glucose in ethanol 0.5m 78.4 C 1.22 C/m
0.61 79.01 C

KBr in water 1.6m 100 C 0.52 C/m
0.83 100.83 C

KBr in ethanol 1.6m 78.4 C 1.22 C/m
1.95 80.35 C


So the wrong answer that you provided is the one that doesn't match
mine (hopefully).

If I'm way off base and I wasn't supposed to submit this at all,
please just disregard it.

Joel Buytkins.


11/30/04

Kym:

At present pretty much my only real concern is that I can't think of
much to work towards. I can commit myself whole heartedly to an
important task, a game, or a girl but when I don't feel needed at all
I just kind of wither and stagnate. Been doing the whole set small
goals for myself and work for them but when the small things come and
go I just feel empty again. This really is the most ridiculous
complaint, that I am comfortable enough in my life that I don't feel
the need to do more jsut for general well-being. I talk with the
suitemates and Seth pretty much lives for money, sports, and getting
laid. Kris lives for ... I guess drinking and smoking. So definitely
not much encouragement from those corners haha.

Well it ended up being more of a rant again but perhaps you learned
more about joel. I really hope everything is going well for you. You
enter my mind a lot throughout the day especially whenever I see a
child.

with love,
Joel

On 8/13/05, Joel <raider576@gmail.com> wrote:
Mike,

> Hey man, going out of town for the weekend so sending this off before
> I go. Send an email back when you find out your schedule and when you
> want to hang out. As of now I'm "free" pretty much the next two weeks
> but there's a lot of shit to do and people to see. So my schedule
> will appear as the week goes on and I hear back from you and others.
>
> Let's cook something / look at naked women haha.
>
> - Joel

11/9/06
Terri,

Just a quick question. I am an applicant to the Neurobiology and Behavior Ph.D. program and am wondering what address I should be sending letters of recommendation to Mudd Hall, Caldwell Hall, or something else. Thanks.

- Joel Buytkins



05/1/07
Anastasia
Hey, it's Joel. from plant bio I'm looking through my notes and may
be missing a few pages. You tend to take better notes anyway, mine
are mostly for on the spot familiarization/memorization than later
review. Would you please email me whatever you have. Thanks

- Joel

Not that other entries are all that different, but I go into this in a jumble of thought. I give all of these plenty of consideration if only because they are my thoughts...filtered. I woke up this morning to Josh calling me to say that I can work tomorrow moving people's shit if I want. Yeah yeah I accept. Will be my only day of hourly paid work this week. Still five weeks til I get a regular paycheck which is becoming more and more distressing. So tomorrow I get up at 5 am to ride my bike to Watertown and then travel via truck to the job site...I can't wait.

Stumbling into the bathroom, I notice that the closet door is open, the white room door is securely closed, and there is an additional toothbrush present. I was wondering if Roberto began moving in or Melanie returned. Facebook tells me that Melanie is back; one mystery solved.

Yesterday I received an email regarding my blogging job. I need to submit a faceshot and a 50 word bio. Also there's a telephone orientation next week. Does this all sound eerily familiar to tutor.com? Of course not because noone reads this and anyone who does likely doesn't remember wtf tutor.com is...anyway haha. I looked at the posts of the girl who is already writing (and I will be sharing the blog with). She writes...a lot. Myabe not at great lengths but sometimes multiple entries per day, and definitely multiple entries per week. The whole gig Sept - Dec pays 250 and requires 1 blog per week. I was thinking of doing 1-3 per week depending on how things go. Looks like I will be edged out by Caroline's prolific writing. Two thoughts come to mind, she's a girl of course she talks more...this I think has nothing to do with it at all but it at least brings a quick smile. More importantly is that she is involved in early childhood education and I work at the university level. Already she seems more like the accessible kindergarten teacher and I the aloof professor. Is it that the professions attract such different people? Not always although I think one is more likely to find a sociable professor than a truly unreachable grade school teacher (although don't we all have our horror stories of that time?). Our contact information is published, I might slip Caroline a quick email and see what her thoughts are on the whole business of co-blogging. She attends BC so a meeting is more than possible although my initial reaction to that is somewhat negative. I don't want to get sucked into taking this too seriously, i signed on to write something like 14 entries.

I feel that time is slipping by me again.

Someone is definitely living in the room that is not Melanie's, someone is in the shower. Wtf is going on?

Back to the time issue. I've been here over three weeks and when it reaches a month... Well nothing special will happen which is kind of the point. I already say things like "back in undergrad" and refer to myself as an albany alum. But truthfully a lot of the time I forget that I even have a degree. I have more random knowledge and more perspectives from which to view the world but it just feels like the natural next step rather than an accomplishment. And when I think about "college" being over, I just feel old. Of course I've been saying this since 16 so I'll probably keep saying it until it becomes true.

Seth called me yesterday and he's a voice calling out from the not too distant past. I've always been impressed by the effort that he puts into keeping contact. I think that he expects and wants me to call more but I don't really have anything to say to him. I always viewed him as a friend who I did things with rather than have deep conversations with. Sure we talked but about things that we were both close to, events of the day. Or maybe I just felt that way... Probably the main thing that's always made me uncomfortable is his preoccupation with women. Or more specifically, my dating life. He's like Mike in that respect, it will always be the first question out of their mouths whether I talk to them next week or in 10 years. Ok hopefully they won't be asking me if I'm getting any in 10 years but I thought I might avoid such topics after high school. Makes me realize how harsh it is to scrutinize Dave on the subject. As he said, Joel isn't usually that much of an asshole.

I'm really tempted to hide my head and barrel through this degree like I do everything else. The strangest thing about that is that it's a cowardly act to forget myself but it's hard even for me to criticize because whenever I do it, I come out the other side with congratulations and new pieces of paper to hang on the wall. As well as she knows me, Kym still praises my intelligence and my resolve in doing things in a sort of correct way. But as I've said over and over, it's not about that. It's about weakness and doing what comes naturally, it's just some weird coincidence that some of my obsessions are rewarded. Vimla tells me that everything I do, everything most people do is to gratify the senses rather than to reach some actual good. I tend to agree but I hate to hear her say it. She gives voice to what I know is true, that what I do is relatively useless and ultimately selfish. But I'm not convinced that her path is any better for that matter. To be happy by accepting life as is. I know that it is a path to happiness if I could step through that door but it's impossible.

I was thinking that I should try to capture these first weeks in Boston here or anywhere. But since I write mostly late at night, the only thing that's captured is my reflection on things. It's all introspection and emotion, the stuff that will persist as long as the memories do (although feelings do change). But relatively rarely do I look back at a particular time and wonder what it felt like, rather I always wonder about the more mechanical aspects of the day.

Today I returned to the beach in Orient Heights. Basically that means that I rode on the T for 2.5 hours and spent maybe 40 mins at the actual beach. I was alone and I'm generally not much of a solo sunbather (it was also late in the day) so I got my fill and then left. The blue line is being repaired near government center so I had to take a shuttle bus out to the airport and then get back on the subway there. Anyway...once I got there I swam for a bit but quickly remembered that swimming is very different from running. I tired and putting my glasses back on sat in the shallows and relaxed. Something bumped up against my foot, fearing a large crab, I swatted at it cautiously. It moved away and then came back. I stood up and walked down the beach. Looking down I saw many hermit crabs and tiny fish darting about, I suspected that they would be near but was surprised to see them within inches of the shoreline. So I commenched picking up crabs and snails and inspecting them. I reflected on the fact that the last time I was there, I did not notice them at all and noone else seemed to notice or care either. I wonder what it would be like to set up a plastic aquarium and collect them, I think that at least some of the kids would be interested. I worry that some of them would want to take them home and I want to promote education and I butchered my fair share of animals in my youth, I feel guilty to hand over such creatures to new kids. Laziness, the coming work week, and the cooling weather (today was warm but beach weather is starting to pass) will probably prevent me from returning anytime soon. But who knows, I can certaining see myself venturing toward water well into november to observe more specimens rather than to swim.

With Melanie gone and Roberto not yet moved in, I have truly begun to feel at home. I've gone back and forth in my desire to live alone but right now I feel that I'd very much like it. Not that I don't want to be around people of course, but I do wish that I had more private space than a single room. Oh well if anything I talk to Melanie more than she to me and I don't think Roberto will annoy me either.

I should probably be more nervous about the fall than I am. I know that I have a great deal of work ahead. I'm told by some that I will have more time to be myself, but by that they partially mean more time to work on relevant things, I can't imagine having more free time than in albany when I basically had all day to sit around and think (much to my detriment).

Today I picked up my copy of Bioshock. It's amazing. I played for about 12 hours as of 1:20 am and i might play a little more before sleeping. Melanie came home for a little while and I could barely look up to even talk to her. I did manage to play some supermonkey ball with her but it was difficult.

The good thing is, I hear the game is short so I should be finished within a few days. I could comment on how it feels to play for this long, it is a unique experience. Mostly what blows my mind is that I used to do this every day...every day. Different game of course. Moneyman is right, I'm always obsessed with one thing for another traveling down a road at high speed.

With some luck i will be

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Here we are again.

First attempt at writing something of substance in a while. This is to Kym as always and since I have two friends now, a bit to Amanda as well.

The impetus for this is three-fold. The most immediate is I am reading someone's posts who I have never met and have no business reading about. Ah the beauty of the anonymous public internet. I read the entries and I thought about how different our experiences and viewpoints are. The person is not wrong per say but we are different sides of a two different coins perhaps. Heads on a dime, tails on a penny (I apply no monetary value to either of us).

Expanding more, I read bits of Melanie's livejournal (who I actually have invitation to read about) as she typed it and we discussed why she writes not just in livejournal but in general. She says that she did much of her early teen writing on the internet and that part of pursuing it professionally is to fill a gap that she perceives. Noone utilizes her style, incarnates her vision of what her writing would be. So unlike the little boys who cannot imagine a hero greater than Spiderman and so never dream beyond that. The hero role is filled, why create another? I thought about her goal and realized that to some degree I share it. The desire to illuminate something new because so few are looking in that direction. This too ties in with the reason for this post to begin with, a different take on life that I didn't find somewhere else.

The third reason is to comment on various personal lines of thought. As you know, I'm always always composing a story in my mind to the degree that it interferes with experience. Like the father clumsily holding the old video recorder to immortalize his daugther in the school play but in doing so misses much of the live experience of the show and only later attempts to piece together what happens from his pathetic recording. But here is my recording none-the-less.

I spent a portion of last week finishing up Gatsby's Girl. I try to always be in the midst of one book or another and it often seems fortuitous that I have reading material during times of moving or other upheavals. The book is a fictional account of the life and times of Ginevra King, the likely inspiration for Fitzgerald's Daisy and others.

Err...will continue later...person here to look at apartment.

-------

Monday, August 20, 2007


the roof

Every night I go up to the roof. It's one of the first things that I did before the place was mine. I look towards downtown and its tall buildings. I look towards the invisible Charles and imagine it flowing past. Lately I've been checking out neighbors windows while trying to not be a strange voyeur. I look to see a glimpse into the lives of others. They are like living art for my interpretation. I'm sure at least some of them would be offended or angry to know my thoughts on this.

Every night here feels the same. I know the temperature has changed greatly but I am still disoriented enough that it barely registers. I thought that moving here would feel like moving to Empire Commons. Then the building was enough like a hotel that the first month felt like a never ending vacation in a hotel. But here it's different, Thus far I really have been on vacation of sorts but I cannot escape the confusing feelings of home and not home. I've decorated my room to my taste with all of the random shit that I had wanted for months in advance. But because a lot of it is new, it adds to the strangeness of the purple walls that surround me. Still, 1537 does not feel like a hotel at all nor that I am a visitor so it must be home.

I started talking about Gatsby's Girl last time. The questions at the back of the book are consider Ginevra's relationships with Scott, Billy, Julian, and John. Is any single relationship wholly fullfilling? What does each offer her? Which man do you suppose sees her most clearly, understands her best, and why?

I say that I am seeking truth and I'm often obsessed with understanding. I pose similar questions of my own relationships constantly. The first is at first an obvious "no". Ginevra ends all of her relationships except john who she is married to late in life and though she is now content I would not all her wholly fullfilled. But there may be a slightly different answer. At the start she is besotted with Scott and Billy and only later tires of their personality. So is it safe to say that for a time she was fulfilled? Her relationship with Julian was an extramarital affair with a younger man, it's certainly what she felt that she needed at the time and circumstances intervene before a more conventional break up can occur. At first glance, her marriage to John is not truly for love per say, she wants to settle down and care for Julian's unknown child. but what of that? Who am I to know for sure the nature of another's commitment. What they offer her is perhaps a simpler question although it changes with time. Scott offers a pure young love and later devotion to an imagined ideal. Billy really offers a sort of security and love which Ginevra first sees as a chance for excitement and adventure. Julian offers a return to youth and an escape from her life with Billy. John offers a renewal, perhaps increase to the security offered by Billy and love that was present throughout their lives but unacknowledged.

But who understands her, who sees her best. This is the question that plagues my own life. Who have I understood / misunderstood? Who has seen me? Even Kym who knows so much about me in words sometimes misses aspects of my personality. She once said that she forgets that I am a sexual being and that sounded so odd to me because in person I'd be more likely to be called a perverted fool although that extreme isn't true either. But back to Ginevra. Scott saw her as she wanted to be seen at 16, beautiful, classic, mysterious, unattainable. He maintains that image of her throughout life even avoiding her to preserve it. Their letters are heartfelt but if the internet has taught me anything it's that in writing most people are acting even more so than in person. We say what we mean and what we want rather than what our natures cause us to do. There is a deeper psychological question here where one could ask what defines our true selves. The saying goes that actions speak louder than words and animal behavior studies focus on outward signals rather than interior motives / instincts.

Billy misunderstand Ginevra as a cute girl who will make an interesting wife as much as she misunderstands him as a daring aviator. Still, they must have garnered some understanding of each other through years of marriage. Indeed, if simply knowing the behavior patterns of another is better than knowing their thoughts, he must have known her best.

The case of Julian is distinct. He understood what she wanted at a particular time but I doubt he had a true appreciation for her overall self. Not that he didn't care for her, but they were both blinded by the spark that they shared.

John knew her for most of her life and probably loved her for most of it as well. So little is said of their relationship that it is difficult to comment. He is willing to pretend Julian's child is his own and effectively start a new life with Ginevra after both of theirs collapsed with their past marriages.

On Sunday I viewed some student art at the 808 commonwealth ave gallery. I forget if cameras were even permitted but I had neglected to bring one.

One piece is a series of cross stitched clothes. The design is based on text messages. I've recreated them as best I can from memory. Only one message has a name attached to it. Two of the panels are a darker shade of tan than the others. The second one is completely wrong but I don't remember at all what it says...the general feel of the statement is the same. There are specific dates and times associated with each message but these I also do not remember.

From:
You are amazing.
Date: April

From:
I can't wait to see you again.
Date: May

From:
Not tonight...maybe tomorrow, I'll call you.
Date: May

From: Ryan
I'm sorry...I love you
Date: June

From:
I don't want things to be weird anymore.
Date: July

It's interesting that I stopped and stared at this particular piece of all the others. First off, cross stitch is (oddly enough) something that I vaguely know how to do. I could never create something from scratch, but my neighbor would work with premade patterns (sort of a color by numbers with thread) as I watched. Many of the other exhibits, I knew little to nothing about the artist's technique.

Second, I abhor text messages. Please never send them to me unless you really know that I will love what you have to say. Really I still dislike cell phones in general but I've given in to the convenience. I thought that the statements were exerpts from AIM, only 30 minutes ago did I realize that they were probably mobile texts.

A piece of two lives on cloth. I counted the months...4 and said wow that isn't very long at all, but I suppose it's average for a random casual relationship. All of the things that go wrong between day 1 and month 4.

Not really sure why I'm returning to this for tonight. Might buy a paper journal tomorrow, print out all of these pages, stick them in a binder, and then delete. But for now...

I'm sure that I've said this before at some point, but it's been so long it might as well be new, or old...

I think a lot on certain things. Thoughts on specific events lead to thoughts on the nature of memory and consciousness. Hebbian synapses, long term potentiation, the different theories of reinforcement. It's a lot like driving a car, and thinking about how a car works but not really being sure. I wonder why these memories really stay with me, what value they really possess to me and what that says about Joel.

So the same old story, John, Joel, Simon. age 12, west saugerties, NY. We go fishing and ride atv's. High school is in the future. Middle school doesn't really exist since it is the same building as elementary. Years later Michael would say "he had the soul (or was it heart?) of a thinker, but he didn't have the mind for it". It may or may not be true. It's difficult for me to so callously judge my friends or rather to say what I think here.

John looks at us and says... this here is the best time of our lives. we are old enough to be out on our own. soon we will have to get jobs. we should enjoy this. ( i can't use quotations because my memory isn't quite that good). I want to say that he mentions girls but intuition tells me that this is something that he said later on and not then. Either way, he was probably right, I abhorred high school and was fairly miserable in middle school also. But those days in the woods. I miss them.

I don't remember what my true reaction was but it was hidden. Whether it was because I thought him very wrong, feared he was right, or simply accepted the truth, I just stared at the ground and waited for the moment to pass. I might have said "yeah man".

Years later someone told me that we never know when we are making a memory, but often I pick out events and whisper, remember this, this is important, and whatever blessing or curse is mine allows me to hold on to some part of that.

The truly sad part isn't that I remember, it's that Simon and John almost surely don't. I'd tell them the story if we had any contact at all but I don't even know if they'd understand. Or if I understand.

But the real reason that this is on my mind. John and Simon were the old friends, close to the first friends. At some point in undergrad I said to Dave, you are the only one who is left, the person I've known the longest, isn't it odd being around people with whom you lack the long history? Dave said, ...but in time you do have a history with those people.

That largely became true although a few years seems a shorter and shorter time. And I'm in the process of doing another major uproot. Most of my contacts will be lost. Only the people who either a) really care b) use aim a lot and thus stay as convenience friends c) I care about enough to put forth my own effort. The rest will be filed away in my mind, souvenirs of a life lived.

I'm very curious what I will have to say on the subject in 1 year, 5 years. Will I be sad to leave Boston, will I even leave, will I even stay to see it through? Nothing to do but forge ahead.

I've always wanted everything and now is no exception. Only the definition of everything changes.

Last week was the first real snow storm of the season. I hadn't shoveled snow in nearly 2 years (Empire Commons spoils people). There are few things that connect me more with my childhood and sense of self than shoveling snow. Life has some sort of "purpose" not really destiny or fate. Rats probably feel most fulfilled during copulation, predators in the hunt. I'm most myself when shoveling snow or riding my bike. It's not a feeling easily captured and put into words after the fact. The only thing that even comes close is when I teach.

I mentioned to BC that at some point I want to write an autobiography. In the past people have either thought it sounded like something interesting and somewhat worthwhile (not necessarily that they wanted to read it but that it's something they could see me doing). BC feels that it's a haughty endeavor. I'd never seen it in this light and still don't really but maybe he has some point. I envisioned the work as something for close family and possibly very close friends to read. But should I even see myself as interesting enough that they might care? I think the heart of the matter is something else entirely. I tend to agree with Dave who said that it's easier to write deep thoughts than express them in conversation. BC feels the exact opposite.

It's both exhilarating and horrible to be me. This isn't a whining post but a self-observation that whenever something startles me out of my normal routine, ideas start to flow into my mind and refuse to leave me alone. Last night at 3 am instead of studying for my exams this week I was paging through the Sandman comics. I'm going to write a reaction essay of sorts concerning my experiences since 2001 with the books and hand it in as my "introduction" for plant bio. Helen already knows me very well so there's no reason to really do the standard intro that others are, and I will enjoy the effort. Also it's not as ridiculous as it first seems. I identify with very few characters in any popular medium but if I can compare myself to anyone it's Dream. Indeed, for all of the hell he goes through, it's a sort of hell that I would likely experience if I were immortal myself so if I had an actual choice of being some sort of preconceived supernatural being, I'd want to personify dreams.

I'm also reconsidering writing a term paper style comparison of a Brother's Grimm Snow White, Maguire's Mirror Mirror, and Gaiman's short snow white stylized story. I have no idea if I will actually go through with this because it will require actually reading the stories again and taking notes, but it's probably better than the other even more pointless activities I could be doing.

This is probably just a phase, and I'll forget it about it by tomorrow.

I was awoken today by Dr. Hirsch's call inviting me to see his possible new home during an inspection. This immediately reminded me of the family atmosphere in the lab. I was amazed by his desire to have me go through parts of the buying process with him partially so that I may learn what to look for when judging homes. He really is a great friend and one of the principal reasons I will miss Albany. While many people come and go he will be a fixture here until he retires so in a sense I leave him behind more than others.

The return to the blog may be a waste of time in some ways, but I am remembering how my own obsessive attention can dramatically change my perception of events. Many days I grind my way through paying little attention to my surroundings and before I know it, the week is over, the month is over, I'm a year older. Having this blog active makes me consider my experiences in new lights because I want to have something to say.

Tonight I piggybacked on my friend Jesse's ability to get girls to cook for him. Good freshly prepared steak and broccoli. On the way back, walking through Empire Commons, I glanced over at G cluster and remembered my times there. A lot of good times were had there but I want to comment on certain aspects in particular.

Jesse, Seth and other people present began having the old Queens is/not a part of Long Island debate. Related to this was my sophomore year revelation to me that I am from "upstate" NY. I don't have much of an opinion on these matters, but they reminded me of my experiences of community. I grew up in Saugerties but attended a small catholic school and then went on to high school in a neighboring city (middle school was the same as elementary). Because of this, I always felt estranged from both my home town and from the city of my high school.

Two summers ago, I worked at Price Chopper and met a fellow albany student named Eric. We roomed together last spring and he introduced me to Nick, Dave, and Kate. At first I considered us an oddball bunch and felt the odd man out being introduced to everyone. However, one night Nick, Eric, and I sat down and discussed the old town where we all originated. I found that we had a surprising amount in common despite never having attended the same schools or known each other previously. It was amazing how much our proximity to each other growing up caused us to have a lot of the same basic assumptions. If you ask me to put this into words, it's difficult. I simply felt that we had an intrinsic understanding of each other despite being wildly different people. Throughout my entire life, I have been explaining myself to people. High school was an event bringing together groups of teens from different areas. Now we all came from the same general area but as Mike S. once said, he appreciates our area because of how different Woodstock, Saugerties, Kingston and others are from each other despite being relatively low population areas reasonably close together. I never really appreciated that difference because although I met a diverse group of people, I somehow ignored many former friends who were from Saugerties and didn't attempt to make more. Now Eric and Nick have graduated and gone on to their own lives. It was nice for the one semester though to talk to people just understood so much that cannot really be explained. I suspect that other people have this experience due to attending public school in their town or they were loners and recognize the lack in their circle. Dave and Kate were an interesting comparison to the Saugerties people, they being from central NY and a couple.

I don't plan to ever live in my town again because to me it would signify defeat, failure, and or loss. Many people will not understand this outlook. The best way I can explain it is, I was raised to leave like an adventurer on a journey. I don't remember my mom ever explicitly telling me to go and in fact she is saddened by my current distance. However there really isn't much opportunity in the area and being told to reach for success can not be the same as being asked to stay. This does not mean that I don't love my family. But I feel this undeniable force pushing or pulling me towards something else. I used to idealize the west coast and even life abroad however I've tempered my flighty character and chose grad schools somewhat nearby. After that, if I still really wish to travel further permanently...well I will worry about that then.

I randomly talked to Helena today. 5 years later, I finally feel some true closure on the situation rather than just pushing it from my mind. Despite our differences, she's one of those people who I desperately want to see happy but know I can do little or nothing to see it happen. In a way, we really are all truly alone and noone can make the big decisions for us.

Here it is again. The return to the blog. First, the technical aspects. If you don't know, this blog has been in existence since mid 2003, and I believe that I had several even before that but deleted them in bouts of angst or embarrassment. The previous 4 years of this blog are still saved but are private because a lot of it is more personal than I had intended or otherwise speaks of ancient history better forgotten. I've informally promised access to the old stuff to one or two so if you still want it I will grant access.

This return to blogging as been a long time coming although lack of motivation and fear of writing more garbage held me back. Dave continues to be a good example of providing thought provoking entries and Sarah Averill provides examples of how everyday life can be presented in an interesting format. Her entries here here if anyone is that bored.

http://calvinisabelsarahdave.blogspot.com/2006/08/we-just-got-home-from-our-week-and.html

Having a family, kids, and some sort of "real" life probably helps.

It would be difficult if not impossible to recall everything that's happened since my last entry June 16th 2006. Also that date matters not at all since it's invisible. At that point, I had recently moved in to 71 Brevator and was sharing the house with only Dave. Now my time on Brevator, indeed in Albany, is nearing the end. I always find myself drawn back to blogging near such life transitions. The June move and graduation are intrinsically linked so that both are equal parts impetus to write again. I want to reflect on some of my life.

Work in Hirsch Lab has been going well. The experiences had within have likely been the most shaping of my college career and likely more important than the great majority of events going back to age 10 or so. I believe that early experience of daily events and parental/friend interactions shaped my rough personality so that these of course supersede anything to come after. By summer 2005, I felt that I was finally developing a sense of self as an academic and I probably was. But that sense has deepened so much so that the past seems almost trivial. It seems to be part of the human condition that the more we accomplish as we go along, the sillier the past seems. I've also been on the other side of the coin wherein my recent past had been a farce and the past seemed important.

Today I visited the nanotech center with Lauren and saw a very different side of research. The program there focuses on nano-engineering with corporate partners. The clean room facilities are massive. Being there was a vision of another possible life (not one suited for me) that reminded me of my visits to RPI and RIT when I was floundering in my search for undergrad options. Now as I explore the options in Boston and Ithaca I have a better sense of what to look for keeping in mind what I do not like. I've found that the big choices in life are so huge that my mind cannot truly digest them and so most choices will be good or bad for reasons that I cannot likely predict. Of course I will follow last minute intuition and see where it takes me.

There's always more to say but I will close here and see how I feel about writing in the future.Reading it over I already see many stylistic improvements that could be made but I will call it a rough draft and not be a perfectionist in something so informal.

The "target" audience members if they can be called such are Dave and Kym. This is not to say that others are unimportant but I plan to write in a voice that should be familiar to them and may be less familiar to others. There is always the question of who is the "real" Joel (not the real mr joel) the outwardly carefree and sometimes silly young man or the darker and often sadder inner scholar. I will try to walk the line here and show both because that is the closest to truth that I can offer.